The first step says that we are powerless over alcohol and our life is unmanageable. My inability to accept that there was not a darn thing I could do to control the way my husband drank pushed me to embarrassing and ridiculous links trying to control his drinking.
But no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I begged or threatened nothing worked. Because of alcohol I never knew what he would say or do and because of alcohol I never knew how I would react until it was too late. So I lived constantly on the edge of insecurity, anxiety and fear and that is what made my life totally unmanageable. And I blamed every thing that I did on his drinking.
At my very first meeting they told me that my program was for and about me. From that first meeting on they helped me to keep the focus on me; on what I could and could not do. At first I was resistant because I was afraid that if I took my eye off of his problem that our life would train wreck. But the truth was that our life already was a train wreck.
Learning to focus on me instead of him was something that came slowly over time. Every time my mind jumped to what he was doing someone in my program helped me to look at me and my reactions. This first step helped me to see my proper place in my little world. Admitting my powerlessness lifted a huge burden off of my heart. I no longer had to feel guilty. His drinking was not my fault. I no longer had to be stressed trying to control the uncontrollable. God was not on vacation and it was not my job to save the world…….
I was only responsible for me and the things that I did. Even then I could not seem to pull myself out of the nose dive I was in in my own power. Thank God there was a second step. Only a power greater than any human being could help me. Believe me if I had had the power to restore peace, security and happiness in my life in my own power I would have done it along time ago. But I couldn’t and whats more is I didn’t have too.
So in the third step I surrendered. I couldn’t do it in my own power, God could and I decided to let him.