I held on to my hurts for a long time. I wanted the people who had hurt me to tell me they were sorry. I wanted them to undo what they had done. I had it in my mind that I needed all that for me to okay. In some instances I needed those things to happen just so that I would feel good about myself. Unfortunately some of the people who had hurt me in the past couldn’t care less about what I thought or what I felt. They had no remorse. Some of them were even deceased. Some of them tried to apologize and make things right but they did not have the power to undo the damage they had done. In some instances things were made right and I still felt violated and still could not trust. I was in a no win situation with hurts from my past because I could not forgive. I wanted to but then something would remind me of an old wound and all of my anger and resentment and pain would flair up and poison my peace of mind.
My sponsor helped me to understand that forgiveness was for my benefit and not the person that had hurt me. She assured me that forgiveness did not mean that I had to become buddies with them unless it was beneficial to me and I wanted to be friends with them.
Most of the time I could not forgive without prayer and God’s help. Every time the pain surfaced I would immediately turn it over to God and ask Him to help me let go of the pain. Then one day I would just noticed that it was gone. I know now that the only way I could forgive was when I really wanted to forgive, when I was really ready to let it go and be free.
Through my recovery journey I have learned a lot about forgiveness.
– Forgiveness does not mean that what happened was okay.
– Forgiveness means that I am not going to give you power to hurt me anymore.
– Forgiveness means that I am not going to allow the past to rob me of peace of mind and happiness today or in my future.
– Forgiveness means that I have learned from that experience and I am moving on without excess baggage.
– Forgiveness means that I have freed myself from past hurts.