Expectations of others

I have talked about expectations before, but always in the context of our expectations of others. But today I want to talk about the expectations of other people on us, and the pressure we feel to meet their expectations. Oh yea, I am talking about our need to people please; I am talking about the fear we feel that they may be mad at us; I am talking about the anger and resentment that we feel when we don’t agree with someone else’s expectations of us and we do what they want anyway.

It never ceases to amaze me how many times I have allowed myself to be sucked into someone’s demands and then later had a king size resentment about it. As a child I did what I was told, when I was told, for fear of reprisal and punishment. I also tried to anticipate what was wanted and did things before I was told to do them in a desperate need to get praise so I could feel loved and accepted.

As an adult this mentality morphed into a card carrying people pleaser that sacrificed my own needs just to satisfy someone else’s wants. I did things I did not want to do to be liked and accepted. The problem was that the results were never wanted I wanted. First of all even if I did receive praise it was never enough for me to feel secure. More often than not I had set myself up to be taken advantaged of from people with an attitude of entitlement.

This character defect, is without a doubt, a life long battle I struggle with. I am so much better than I was, but I still catch myself getting caught up into trying to take care of the world. There is a little difference now. I am more selective who I get off track with. Now it is usually with people that I love and care about that would do anything for me as well. In the past I did things for people who never appreciated what I did for them, people that felt entitled, and people who did not reciprocate. So there is some progress.

It took a while in recovery for me to be able to recognize the good guys from the bad guys. Through my fourth step I began to see a pattern of how I related to other people. What were the traps that I stepped into time and time again where I allowed other people to suck me into doing what they wanted me to do? What kind of relationship did I have with these people? What was my attitude toward myself that made me insecure so that I did not have the courage to say no? What was my motive for doing things I did not want to do? Or better yet, what did I fear would happen if I did not do it?

I believe that the purpose of the fourth step is to help us understand why we do the things we do. It is to help us define what we need to do differently so that we can grow and change so that we can be comfortable and at peace in our own skin. Through the years I have used the fourth and tenth steps for almost everything in my life that causes me a problem. These steps help me do the postmortem so that I can understand what went wrong. You have heard me talk about looking at things 360 – that means from all sides, from every angle. It is through these two steps where I analyze my motive; these steps help me see the hidden traps that cause me pain.

There is one thing I know for sure and certain in my life, and that is if I don’t learn from it and change I will repeat it.

Why I go to those recovery meetings

Someone ask me recently why I still went to meetings. I told them that this program was the blueprint that I lived my life by. You see I apply these 12 Steps and the concepts of this program to every thing in my life. Alcoholism forced me to go to my first meeting but life kept me coming back.

I had a jerk boss once that made my life miserable. He had power over my financial stability and he tried to make my life dreary five days a week. I was really good in my job and still he did his dead level best to try to strip me of my self esteem. He had a little “g” god complex. He was an untreated adult child of alcoholics. He especially had contempt for women. He was an angry man with an ego problem who tried to make life stressful for everyone.

I had been in recovery over ten years when I met him and I had to apply every concept of this program towards him just to be able to continue to excel in my job and to neutralize his negativity in my life. I did that by not taking personal the negative way he treated me. His problem with strong women had nothing to do with me. I was just where he vented it. Was his behavior acceptable? Of course not. There were times when I would have loved to punch his lights out. But I just kept doing the next right thing and talking things out with my sponsor when I felt pushed to the wall.

I had to 10th step him every day (continue to take personal inventory and when wrong promptly admit it) This one step gave me confidence, one day at a time, so that I did not feel compelled to try defend or prove anything to him. I let my actions speak for themselves. I knew that the problem was in him and not in me . He wasn’t ever going to treat me right. I was a straight commissioned sales rep. I consistently exceeded quote and I did not need him to affirm that I was good at what I did.

But I am not going to lie to you, it was not easy. I could not look to the future or question how long I had to do this. It was one day at a time with me. There were many times I had to ask myself how important is it to get into it with him. There was no doubt in my mind that I was powerless to fix or change him. I did not want too.

I had another person in my life, a relative by marriage, that from day one tried to make me feel inferior, and she was successful for a very long time. And then I got some recovery under my belt and I things changed between us, because I changed. She no longer had the power to define my self worth to me. There is a page in one of my daily reading books that says, “normal happy well adjusted people do not hurt other people.” The first time I ever read that I thought of her. One night at a party when she had been drinking she began to ask me a lot of questions about how I had changed. She even slipped up and told me that she wished she was strong like me. I wanted to tell her I was not strong, that there were times, because of her, that I had to work my program minute by minute to be able to stay true to myself. But I did not say anything I just thanked God for my program.

When I remarried my husband ask me why I still went to those meetings. I told him that everything that he liked about me was a result of going to those meetings. Then low and behold, we one of our kids that desperately need a 12 step program of his own. And I had another reason why I needed those meetings. Our son picked up his 12 year sobriety chip this month. His sobriety had nothing to do with me. He did that all on his own with the help of his 12 Step program.

As long as I am breathing and can get to a meeting I will still go to those meetings because this program is the blueprint that I live my life by. Just saying!

I did have power – it was just not over him

When I first started my recovery program I wanted to understand why he drank the way he did. If I just understood why then I could fix the problem and we could ride off in the sunset and live happy ever after. Then I learned that he drank the way he did because he was an alcoholic and there was not a darn thing I could do about it. His drinking was not about me. I did not cause it and I was completely powerless to control it or cure it. I was devastated. Now I understood why and it did not change the situation at all.

There was no doubt that I felt powerless, I just had not accepted that I was powerless. Intellectually I understood it. Emotionally I could accept that there was not anything I could do about it. I believe the reason that I could not let it go is because I believed that everything that was wrong in my life depended on this man to make it right.

Boy was I wrong. I was not an extension of his life. I really had a completely separate life. I could choose to be happy even if he wasn’t. I could choose to improve, grow and change in a good way, even if he was running his life in the ground. I learned early on in my program that it was ridiculous to try to talk sense with him when he was under the influence of alcohol. Therefore, I did not have to argue or get into “spirited debates” with him just because he was upset and angry and I did not have to defend, justify, or explain myself to him when he was unreasonable and out of control. When he was trying to push my buttons I said things like, okay I will think about it, or I am sorry you feel that way, or really, you don’t say. I had a whole list of responses that did not agree or disagree and did not engage.

I learned in my program that alcoholism was cunning, baffling and powerful. The first word in that description was cunning. I learned to take that warning seriously because even when he was not drinking he was always trying to manipulate and control me so that I would not interfere in his drinking, and so that he did not have to feel guilty.

What appeared to be a game of tug-of-war between us over control was nothing more than an illusion on my part. He held all the winning cards. He was going to do what he wanted to do and there was not a darn thing I could do about it. As long as I held onto my end of the rope he always had the power to pull me across of the line. The only way I had a chance was to let go of my end of the rope and take charge of my life and leave him in charge of his.

In the end I learned that I did have power, lots of power, it just wasn’t over him and his drinking. I had power over me. I could choose to make a happy life for myself regardless of what he was doing. I went to dancing recitals, plays and events for our children without him. I went to movies, concerts, ballgames without him. I went back to school and got a job and went to church without him. I did not exclude him I just did not wait for him to show up to go, and I definitely did need for him to be there under the influence.

The key to doing all of those things without him and being happy in the process was to appreciate what I did have instead of pouting and morning over what I did not have. Sure I would have liked for us to do those things together, but that was not the option that was good for me. An attitude of gratitude helped me to get off my pity-pot when he was a no show or when he had had to much to drink that he couldn’t participate. I did not have to have him go for me to enjoy those things.

Another big step for me was learning that I did not have to lie or make excuses for him. When people ask me where Jon was, I simply said that he could not make it. I did not owe anyone an explanation and I did not give it. These little baby steps empowered me to take control of my life.

How I found self-respect

There is a saying that when you have been put in your place long enough you become that place. There is also a saying that ignorance is bliss. But, ignorance is not bliss when all that you have been told about yourself is negative. Growing up I lived two lives. Reality and fantasy. Reality was hurtful. Fantasy was created through books, movies and TV. The only reason I knew that there was anything different from the hurt in my world was through the books, movies and TV. I fantasized about prince charming saving me and living happy ever after.

I left home at 18, married an alcoholic. My alcoholic was a pretty good guy. He did not talk down to me. He was proud of my accomplishments no matter how small, and he made me feel special right until day when I tried to interfere with his drinking. To be honest with you his drinking saved my life and my sanity, and at the same time it destroyed and killed him.

Sometimes anger is a good thing. I was angry with my parents, I was angry with my alcoholic husband and his family, but most of all I was angry with myself. I felt undeserving and thought that I must really be a bad person or else my life would not be this way. At the same time I could not figure out what I had ever done that was so bad that would make all of the important people in my life want to hurt me. I had tried so desperately to please them all. Why couldn’t they love me? Was I born defective? What was so wrong with me that they would keep hurting me? Why did I put up with it?

I was completely defeated. The pain was so bad that I did not even resist when a friend showed up at my door one day, made me get dressed and took me to my first meeting. I did not have anywhere else to go so I went with her. Because of his drinking I kept going to those 12 Step recovery meetings and that program changed my life forever. They told me from the very beginning that my meeting was for and about me.

Until recovery I had always believed that my happiness was going to come through someone else; I just had to figure how to make them make me happy. Then the first step hit me right between the eyes. I was powerless to make anybody else do anything. My life was out of control. Even though that first step doesn’t say it my sponsor reminded me that I was not powerless over me. I could choose to be a victim or I could choose to be free.

The second and third steps – believing and trusting in a power greater than me – was the solution to the first step. I am powerless, I can’t do it, God can and I am going to let him. The 4th step helped me to understand the sequence of events in my life that had stripped away my dignity and self-respect. It showed me how I deceived myself through denial to accept unacceptable in my life. In other words I had some responsibility in the inadequacies that I felt. That was the first hint that in order for me to be happy I was going to have to make a decision that I was worth more than I was accepting in my life.

Each step helped me to understand what I needed to do to be a complete person. I really could be happy whether he was drinking or not. But, being happy whether he was drinking or not was a bitter sweet experience for me. You see the reason that this program saved my life and my sanity was because of a choice I made to give this program a try. The reason that it destroyed and killed my husband was a choice that he made not to work his program. I had no joy in watching him self destruct but I did have peace that I was no longer participating in his chaos. Recovery programs are not for everyone – only the people who want them.

Grant me the Serenity

In the first sentence of the Serenity Prayer we ask God for the serenity to accept things we cannot change and to have the courage to change things we can. There is no doubt about it there are situations in our life that we are completely powerless to change.  I must confess their have been times that my powerlessness has not stopped me from trying anyway. I knew what I wanted. I had a belief about how it should be so I tried to force my solution. Of course I drove myself crazy trying to do the impossible. Many times I would get angry and resentful and some time terribly afraid because things were not the way I wanted them to be. The operative words are accept and serenity.

Accepting does not mean I have to like or approve. It is knowing without doubt that this is the way that it is and there is not a darn thing I can do about it. The serenity part is my state of mind – calm or anxious, peaceful or agitated, quite or distressed, serene and tranquil or angry, resentful and distraught. I have found that my serenity depends on my acceptance. The more I resist the more unsettled I am. There is no serenity without acceptance for me.

The courage to change the things I can begins and ends with me. I can change my circumstances, my thoughts, how I do things and how I relate to people. But I can not change other people. I can change my relationship with them but I can’t change them.
It seems that to have the courage to change the things I can it usually means a changed attitude. I can’t afford to have resentments – I can’t afford to pout, or to be fearful if I want to have any peace of mind whatsoever.

The fear thing is huge to me. It is like a flashing neon sign that there is something, some attitude, in ME that I have to change or it means that I am facing a difficult decision and I just don’t want to face it right now. This is when the courage comes in. Courage to change how I think and feel about the situation I am facing. Courage to take action when necessary and the courage not to do anything at all.

Wisdom comes in being honest about my motive. Am I trying to control or manipulate the outcome. Is it the right thing to do for the right reason. When I really struggle with having the wisdom to know the difference, I call someone in the program and talk it out. I don’t expect them to make my decision for me, but to help me be honest with myself.  It is a process of looking at my motives and my expectations.   There was this little exercise that I have done from time to time.  I write down all the facts of the situation.  No feelings, No emotions, just facts.  If those facts were happening to someone else other than myself how would I respond?  Once I subtract the emotions and feelings many times things it become easier to make an informed decision.

Denying alcoholism

My first husband, my alcoholic, and I were married for 18 years. He had a drinking problem before I ever met him. All the red flags were their, but because he made me feel so special I was not worried. I was sure that after we were married that love would conquer all. I was wrong. All of the issues that were there before we were married only escalated after we said I do.

I put all of my happiness eggs in one basket – him. He was my knight in shinning armor. He made me feel loved, special and protected. I have no doubt in my mind that he loved me as much as he was capable of loving anybody. I believe that he desperately wanted the two of us to ride off in the sunset and live happy ever after…….just as long as he did not have to give up his drinking to make it happen.

I tried. I really really tired to make it work. I did not want to fail and I pushed myself to be whatever I thought that he wanted me to be at any given moment to make it work. Nothing worked. His drinking got worse. I became more desperate. His drinking got worse. That feeling of powerless left me feeling defeated. His drinking got worse. I became numb. The loneliness and emptiness that I felt inside made me feel lost and without hope. At that point I was just going through the motions of living. Doing whatever I need to do to get through another day.

But you know what is really weird? As broken as I was at the time I was still resistant to going to those meetings. I did not want him to be an alcoholic, and in my crazy mixed up mind he would not be an alcoholic as long as I did not go to those meetings and admit that he had a problem with alcohol. It felt like all of my life, from childhood until I married him, at was at the mercy of other people in my life. He had romanced me, and promised me happy ever after, and I wanted him to make my dreams to come true. I resisted those meetings is because I wanted him to fix everything and make it better. I was all grown up and still had the expectations of a child. I was still waiting for someone else to fix my life.

My perception of myself was wrapped up in my problems and in my alcoholic. It was a long time before I could believe that other people, places and things did not define me. One of the best things about my recovery journey is that the focus was on me – my thoughts, choices and actions. My recovery journey was about what I believed, what I thought and what I felt. It was the beginning of learning how to be grown up. Which translated – means taking responsibility for my own life. It is making informed decisions. It is making choices because they where the right thing to do for me and not because I was trying to control or manipulate someone else.

Accepting responsibility for my own life and happiness has been essential to my recovery. For years the only way I looked at my problems was how everyone and everything was either for or against me. For me to objectively evaluate how my attitude and actions contributed to the situation was a long time in coming. This program taught me that I was a complete and separate person and I could be happy in my own right. Other people could add to my happiness but they could not make me happy.

Changing what I can

I believed my own lies. I had made excuses to myself why I stayed. I made excuses to myself why I accepted unacceptable in my life. I made excuses to myself why I overextended myself to other people. I made excuses to myself why I did not go onto higher education. I made excuses to myself why …… But the real problem was the excuses were really denial. If I could not, or did not, want to face the truth I made up excuses and gave my denial legitimacy in my mind.

Self-honesty was not easy and it was uncomfortable as all get out. It was easier for me to accept a criticism than it was for me to accept a compliment. It was easier for me to not even try than it was to try and be disappointed or to fail. But until I faced the truth there would be no progress, no peace, no joy in my life.

I had an amazing sponsor that did not allow self-deprecation and she sure as heck would not allow me to make excuses why I could not do things to help myself. I could always do something to help myself. Even when I did mess up she helped me to recognize what I needed to do to not repeat my mistakes.

For a long time denial was a coping mechanism to survive. Other times it was the excuse I used to keep the status quo. If I didn’t acknowledge it-it wasn’t true. But denying it did not change my reality and it did not buffer me from the consequences or the pain. There were times that denial had such a grip on me that I went to desperate measures trying to force my dreams into reality. But no matter what I did I could not make my dreams come true.

It took a while for me to see that denial and excuses were nothing more than self-punishment. Folks I am here to tell you that just facing the truth and understanding the problem does not fix the problem. Interesting enough when I confronted my reality as it was, and not how I wanted it to be, it began to lose its power to dominate my life. Even then it was hard to make changes because my knee jerk reaction was to sink right back into my old way of thinking and doing things.

One of the things that helped me was giving myself time before I reacted. The person that could not say no learned to say – I will get back with you. Usually when I allowed myself time to respond I was less inclined to volunteer myself for something I really did not want to do anyway. When my alcoholic pushed my buttons I would ask myself how important was it for me to get into this with him. Was it something that was really going to make a positive difference in the grand scheme of things. If it was not going to make a positive difference I did not care if his opinion was different from mine. I gave both of us the right to disagree.

I sometimes took two steps forward and one step back before these responses came natural to me. Every time I took a step back I would evaluate how I could handle it differently if there was a next time. It is all in the baby steps. It is staying in the moment and living one day at a time. Doing what I needed to do today and face tomorrows challenges tomorrow.

One of the biggest challenges was to fight stinking thinking. Stinking Thinking could derail me so fast it was not even funny. I simply could not allow negative thoughts to stay in my mind, therefore I had to challenge my own mind almost all day long in the beginning. Changing a negative thought into a positive thought was a must if I were going to ever have any kind of peace of mind. Over time I’ve leaned that I’m never going to get it right all the time and I’ve learned to forgive myself when I don’t.

Giving 12 Step programs a chance

I would dare anyone to make a suggestion of something I could have done to prove that I was not powerless over alcohol. One time I made a list of things that I had done to try and control his drinking. What surprised me was how many times I had tried the something over and over again. Why would I keep trying the same thing over and over again? Obviously I had run out of things to try; I had to repeat. Nothing and I mean absolutely nothing I tried worked. I was definitely on the treadmill of insanity.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It gets worse over time. As my husbands drinking got worse I became more desperate. Even though I felt and outsider at the meetings I felt they at lease understood what I was going through. Our families and friends had no clue. There suggestions was for me to try harder. Try harder to do what? I had tried it all and not one thing I tried worked. If they weren’t telling me to try harder they were telling me to leave him and some just pitied me. No, I definitely could not talk to them about what was going on in my home.

When I finally surrendered to the fact that my life was a train wreck I still did not want to go to those meetings. I did not want to be a part of that group. Imagine my surprise when I started going to meetings to find that the people that there were just like me. Every day people from all walks of life that had a person in their life, that they loved, that had a problem with alcohol. Some were older than me and some were younger. There were males and females, all races, some were educated and some were not. Some were financially set and others were struggling to get by. You see alcoholism does not discriminate in its victims.

The decision to give the 12 step program a chance was a pivotal turning point in my life. It was in those meetings that I learned that I was not alone. People in those meetings actually understood what I was going through. They understood my fear, my anger, my loneliness, and my desperateness. They understood why I kept forgiving him over and over again hoping that this time things would be different. They understood that I did not know how to take care of my own needs. They knew why I ran around trying to be all things to all people seeking acceptance and approval. They knew when to comfort me and when to call me out when I was on my pity pot. I have never had anyone in my life had anyone I could count on with that degree of trust ever.

For along time I would go to meetings. Put my one hour in and get up and leave right after the meeting, and as long as I did that I felt like an outsider. I really struggled with the concept of being powerless over his drinking. I wanted to tell everyone there what he did and I wanted affirmation that I had a right to feel the way I felt. I wanted them to tell me how to fix him. I did not want to focus on me. Even though I had a phone list I did not use it because I did not want to bother anyone. Needless to say that in the beginning I struggled with this program.

Making a decision to get to know people in my group was another turning point in my recovery. I went for coffee with them after the meeting and really got to know them. It was giving myself permission to be “one of those people” that totally transformed my life and how I felt about myself. Asking for help is important, but what is even more important is asking the right people. It was over coffee that I learned who talked this program and who lived it.

The decision to give my 12 step program a chance has totally transformed my life and how I live it. I thank God every single day for this program.

I was addicted to my alcoholic

I had this dream of what I thought was needed for me to be able to live happy ever after. But the dream did not match my reality. Therefore, I tried desperately to force my reality to become my dream. The problem was that I was only had power over one half of the equation, my half. I cannot even count the different ways I tried to manipulated the circumstances in my life to make my dreams to come true or just to survive the chaos, self doubt of the broken dreams and broken promises from my husband.

One of the most difficult truths I had to face is that my idea of what it was going to take for me to live happy ever after may not be the way it would happen for me. My way was not necessarily the only way or the right way. It never occurred to me that my way may not even be in my best interest. Even then I stubbornly held on to self-will. The harder I tried to hold on the more pain I felt.

My emotions were in control. Emotionally I thought that love would conquer all. If he loved me enough he would stop drinking. If I loved him enough I could make him so happy that he would give up his drinking. I am not a dumb woman, but because I allowed my emotions to rule me, I made dumb decisions over and over again about my ability to control his drinking.

Intellectually I knew that I was powerless over him and his drinking and I still struggled with letting go of that obsession to try and control. I was so focused on his behavior I could not see that I was driving myself right over the cliff of sanity by demanding to win a battle that I knew that I could not win. My alcoholic was addicted to alcohol and I was addicted to my alcoholic and I almost sacrificed my whole life to his addiction. That first step, admitting that I was powerless and that my life had become unmanageable was the turning point. It was a pivotal point in my life that changed the direction of my future. It took the focus off of what he was doing and put the focus on me.

Change is a little scary. When one person in a relationship changes the relationship will change. Sometimes it changes in a good way and sometimes not. I was not changing to try to manipulate him or his drinking. I was changing to do what was good and right for me. I was no longer willing to sacrifice my life to his chaos. If he did decide to get the help he needed that would be wonderful, but if he did not I knew that I was going to be all right anyway.

For years I wasted a lot of time trying to save and control another person and he out-foxed me at every turn. Even when he did what I thought he should do, I held my breath waiting for something to go wrong. I never thought about how miserable and unhappy I was living this way. After all I was going to be happy one day when…

Through this program I have learned that someday is today. People and circumstances may never be what I want them to be or what I think they should be – but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be happy anyway. I am the only one that can live my life. Regardless of what other people are doing, or not doing, I am responsible for me. Live my life to the fullest or waste it. The choice is mine.

Victim mentality

Not much in my life changed until it hurt me more to allow things to continue the way they were than it did for me to do stand up for myself. From childhood to adulthood I saw myself as a victim and to a degree that was true. When I was a child I truly was at the mercy of the adults in my life. I had no power. Compliance was required. No questions asked just do what I was told. Sure there were times I was angry. Sure there were times I wanted to lash out, but I would not dare because the consequences were not worth it.

In a way it was liked I had been programed and conditioned to allow unacceptable in my life. I reached adulthood with a victim mentality. I wanted someone else to fix my world and make me happy ever after. But I did not know anything about healthy relationships and I promptly married and alcoholic. Sure my alcoholic created a lot of problems in my life because I had handed the keys to the castle over to him. By refusing to take responsibility for myself I could blame my alcoholic for the bad choices I made. By refusing to even make a choice I was choosing the status quo and thereby I perpetuated my victimization.

I am conflicted over this whole victimization issue. In a way I believe that we have brain washed in to compliance. We have been totally stripped of our self-confidence and our self-esteem. Any attempt in our past to change our situation, no matter how small, had been met with hurtful consequences to keep us in line. I believe that, after a while, I even became addicted to the “poor Sharon” words of sympathy. In many ways that little bit of commiseration was the only way I felt comforted.

They say in our program that we don’t change anything in our life until the pain to change is greater than the pain is to stay the way we are. I have often wondered why some of us never reach that threshold of pain that forces us to stand up and reach out for something better in our life. There are people that spend their entire life as a victim because they will not take responsibility for their own happiness. Many live long lives and grow old and die miserable having never to have known joy and happiness.

I believe that that would have happened to me if I had not had an alcoholic in my life. I was way down in the rabbit hole and saw no light, no hope and no way out. I was physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually bankrupt. To be honest with you it was not my idea to go to a 12 step program (which is free by the way). I had a friend that took me to my first meeting. I thought I was going to go and get this magic formula that would help Jon drink normal. Instead I was told that I was powerless over his drinking. For some reason I kept going back. I really believed that my situation was different. I could not wrap my mind around the fact that I was powerless over his drinking and I was going to prove them wrong.

When I first started going to meeting I was defeated and resigned to life as I knew it. It was not easy breaking away from the way the only life I knew of hopelessness and negativity. The hopelessness alone held me a prisoner in my life. Fortunately my program brakes things down into manageable peaces. I learned how to live a One Day At A Time kind of life. I learned how to Let Go and Let God manage my life. I learned how to let go of trying to control my Alcoholic by living my life for me and giving him the right to live his life.

What tipped the scales for me was getting to know the people. Sure there were people their anguished and in distress. But, there were also people there who understood my pain and gave me hope by sharing their experience, strength and hope in recovery. Their peace of mind was almost tangible to me. It wasn’t just words. I could see it in their demeanor and in their eyes and it was real and I wanted it.