There has been so much written about Codependency. On the internet alone there are thousands of articles explaining and defining Codependency. Most of those articles are written by the “experts” and the “professionals” who are trained and educated on Codependency. Many of them have workshops, clinics and write books on the subject. And then there are people like me who blog and write about it. I am not a trained professional and therefore I can only write about what I know from my own personal experience.
Based on everything that I have read, my life is a textbook example of a Codependent Life. I write this blog because I can’t not write it. When the idea first came to me I bought a book about blogging. The book said that if you can’t spell, if you don’t understand grammar and punctuation don’t waste your time blogging because no one will read it. My immediate reaction was to forget the blogging idea. So I canned the idea for several years.
You see, I am dyslexic. I am dating myself here, but when I was growing up we never even heard of that word. So I struggled in school. I was punished for my grades because I was “not trying,” “I was not paying attention,” and I was even considered not very smart. Dyslexia is not just reversing letters and numbers. For example, we can know that the proper word is “know” but we will write NO. We will read it many times and never see that we wrote NO instead of know. We “know” the difference between to and too and two but we may not see it when we write it. We may write it twenty times correctly and then write it ten times incorrectly and never see that we did it that way on paper. And of course there is the punctuation nightmare. I do know how to use a period, question mark and an exclamation point. Other than that I am totally lost. This problem has made me feel vulnerable all of my life.
Like I said earlier there is something in me that makes me write this blog and I believe that it is just my way of overcoming “one more” problem area in my life. I believe that I could be Codependent because of this one problem alone – even if I had not been raised in a dysfunctional home and even if I had not married an alcoholic. This one problem, at times, has made me feel dumb and inferior, and I have no doubt in my mind that I could have become a card carrying Codependent because of this one problem.
Regardless of the reason, heartbreak is heartbreak. I guess what I am trying to say this morning is that there are a lot of reasons why we become emotionally fragile in our lives. I have come to realize that very few people live a “charmed life.” Most of us experience heartbreak, disappointment, pain and suffering at one time or the other in our life time. Those experiences can make us or break us. We can learn from those experiences and own them or they will own us.
It wasn’t until I found my way to a 12 Step recovery program that it ever occurred to me to be an overcomer. Until then I had been resigned to be inferior to everyone else walking the planet. The acceptance, understanding and peace and happiness that I now enjoy is why I have such a love affair with my recovery programs. I know there are other ways, but the hope that I needed came through the 12 Steps. Each step helped me to peel back a layer of doubt, fear and insecurity. This blog is a “12” Step for me. The transparency I try to communicate on this blog is my way of carrying the message to others and practicing these principles in all my affairs. I want the walking wounded out there to know that they are not alone and that there is hope.